Unendlichkeit

Guhh. Im soo sorry.

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 02:09:34 GMT

First off.
IM REALLY SORRY. I know this has probably been posting over a million times. >.<;;

Does anyone have a copy of 1000 Meere and/or Geh ?
I keep seeing people listening to 1000 Meere in their posts, and I REALLY WANT TO HEAR IT.
/paranoia.

thanks guys. I appreciate it tons!

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 05:06:33 GMT

Im the happiest I've ever been.
The way he kisses me, and holds me, and tells me I'm beautiful..
I love you, Ryan.

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 06:38:13 GMT

I seriously can't do this anymore.
I need help and I can't find it anywhere.
I've hit rock bottom.

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 20:30:04 GMT

LOL @ ME HAVING BLONDE HAIR FOR AN HOUR.

HOLLA.

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 05:55:24 GMT

Yay for new piercings.
Lip [center] and septum.
hells yes.

pictures soon.

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 18:00:39 GMT

Well this birthday wasnt too bad. I went out for breakfast with my sisters and my mom, came home, had a nap with the baby.. and just when I thought it was going kind of downhill, Alex popped up at my door.
He told me there was a surprise for me. He took me behind the front shop, and there was Laina with a cake!! A yummy yummy cake with kiwis, strawberries, blueberries and [get this] CRAYON CANDLES.
It was radsauce.
Then they came over for dinner, and it was good stuff.

So, all in all, not a bad birthday.

Im hopefully going to get my lip/eyebrow/septum pierced today. [I still haven't decided].
Hopefully my mom wont kill me.
Wish me luck.

I miss you.

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 04:11:35 GMT

i miss you.
why did you leave me here alone to do this by myself?
you may think you're strong enough to do it all on your own, and that you need to do it all on your own, but i cant.
i cant do it on my own, and i need you here to help me.
help me.

Ultra Hardcore Livejournal Post Of Doom

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 22:17:11 GMT

This week has been interesting.
First off, Karen quit, so I had to give up 2 of my 3 off days. Lamesauce.
According to Jodi I am now FULLY trained at Ambrosios [good stuff]. And uhh.. Yeah.
There isnt really much going on, besides the obvious drug use, alcohol binging, and not to mention the waking up on the front lawn in my clothes. <- I'm still wondering how the hell that happened.

At the moment, Im hella tired, and Im really needing a break from work. Ive had to work long morning shifts all week. And, because Karen just randomly quit [she just walked out], Im probably not going to get the time off that I asked for 3 weeks ago. Arrgghhh. I want to go to Saltspring and buy a huge ass bong. Good stuff my friends, good stuff.
Oh shit, I forgot to mention.
I FUCKING HATE APPLE.
My god damned Ipod is broken [I LOVE YOU BERTHA], and I have to fucking pay 45$ for shipping and handling because it's over 6 months old. Apple can fucking suck my dick. It's not my fault their products are shitty and have to be sent back. Lamesauce x50.

Anyways. Besides working, Ipod shit, and other random crap, this week has been pretty good. I ran into Jacquie and Sean in Sidney, which is always good. I miss thoses kids, hella. Jacquie looked so damn pretty, and Sean was just doing his quirky little sean-ness which just reminded me how much I miss him.
Alex and I FINALLY got to hang out by ourselves [well, minus the baby and erin] to watch Top Model. Good stuff. I missed that kid, a lot. Not to mention he wore the 'Nothing Rhymes With Orange" shirt [did I even spell that right?]. +fav.

The rest of the summer is going to be pretty lame, I must say. I have no food in my house, and it's fucking RAINING, so I cant go out and do shit.
It's fucking JULY and it's raining. This is retarded. *punches Mother Nature in the box*
COME BACK SUN!! I WANNA GO TO THE LAAKEEE.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 06:58:27 GMT

FUCKING CHRIST. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Im a fucking idiot.
A fucking IDIOT.
Someone shoot me. Just fucking do it. God damnit im dumb.

Tonight Tonight.

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 06:41:09 GMT

I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm trying so hard to make things right, and to keep things going, and keep things balanced, but I feel like I'm just falling off the edge. I mean, without James, I would probably have been dead right now. It's terrible, because admist all of the things he said, and how long he comforted me, I still feel like shit. I still feel like I dont want to be here. I've been eyeing those damn pills all day. I was hoping that seeing him today would help, and would banish all these terrible things that I'm thinking, but he made other plans, and now Im sitting here alone in the dark, again, eyeing thoses little green pills.
6 would make me braindead.
6 and a two six would kill me.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm trying so hard and I'm not getting anywhere. Nothing feels right anymore, and nothing feels real. I miss the cutting, and I miss the fulfillment. I wish I could go back to it. Back to feeling. I had almost gotten used to feeling things on a regular basis, but now that's all gone. Im just completely fucked. According to all my doctors, I shouldnt even be thinking like this anymore, much less feeling like this. Im sick of being some damaged case. I just wish I could be normal again. I dont want to take meds anymore, I dont want to have people ask me about my arms... I just want to be normal. But I guess that's never going to happen. I will always be a fucked up kid, no matter what happens. Whether I get better or not, I will always be the problem child. I just wish that people would see me for who I really am. Not just some damage case, not just some problem child, not just some weird girl... I just wish people could love me for me.

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 02:45:00 GMT

Well, I thought today was going to be rad.
Apparently not.

I was sitting there, having a good time, and then all of a sudden I guess I kind of just stopped. No one was really talking to me, I felt so out of place, and Ellery and Kelci and everyone were talking about Kaie -- a person who I have never even met. Not only did all that make everything akward, but it really fucked me up. It reminded me how alone I am, and how I really need someone to be with, and someone to love, and to love me back. Don't get me wrong, I like being single. I like being able to have fun. But it's been long enough, and I need to be in a relationship with someone. I just need someone. Actually, that's a lie. I need him. He's gone right now, and I miss him so much. I don't even know what to do. Not only that, but it's July 4th. On a day when I need someone to be there for me, to hold me, and wipe away my tears... On the day that the man I loved the most left me, I'm alone. I miss James, and I miss my dad. And here I am, both gone, and I have no idea what to do.
Don't leave me alone.
Please don't leave me.

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 17:54:16 GMT

Oh my god. I am so tired.
I worked a 9 and then a 10 hour shift. Holy jesus.
Im really wanting to pull a 'Saw' and cut my feet off.

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 06:57:23 GMT

I don't know what's going on with me.
I'm feeling depressed and jealous. I miss him so much, but I have no idea of what's going on. I was drunk, and he was coming down from a high, but I was kissing his skin, and he was holding my hands, and rubbing my skin and running his fingers through my hair.. It felt like a type of love.
I just wish it could all be real. But it's not. It's all lost in drugs and alcohol. I just want it back. He was so warm and sweet. But it's all a lie. A huge fucking lie.

Im feeling so left out, so lost and alone. I dont even know what to do with myself anymore. I dont feel like I belong anymore. It's been like this for weeks. I dont feel like I belong anywhere... Except for in his arms.
Everything has felt so cold, but then he put his arms around me and it all changed. All the ice melted. Everything was perfect. Everything felt right. But now it's gone.
And I'm afraid I'll never get it back.

Exams.

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 15:29:38 GMT

Well, I have one more exam tomorrow and then I'm DONE.
Yaaay.
I have my math exam in about half an hour. I cant quite say that Im totally okay with it -- I am a bit nervous. But at least it's not as bad as last year, where I had so much to loose. I mean, I have a 99% in math anyway, so even if I completely bomb the test, I'll be okay. Hell, I'll be more then okay.
Sweet deal.

Im going to try and change myself a lot over the summer. Lots of new piercings, new hair, and definitely a new body. I want to loose lots of weight, and get rid of it all. I know I've said this a lot before, but Im really dedicated this time. Im going to do it.
Ouuuffhh. Im tired. It's too early for all this exam crap.

On a lighter note, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to afford Germany (that is, if I get the scholarship thingiemajig)! I just want to get my final grades ready so that I can send in my application. Fucking school, and not being able to get a counselling until Friday. Jesus.

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 19:19:56 GMT

I miss my faux hawk.
I mean, I want long hair SOOO bad, but I want to look different again. I feel too... normal.
I was thinking of cutting my hair like so...

Yes? No?
Please comment.
KTHNXBAI.

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 04:42:36 GMT

Well, I just finished my second weekend at Ambrosio's.
I'm getting so much better. I really am quite proud of myself.
I worked a lot of till today, and didn't fuck up. Which was -awesome-. I worked a bit of deli today too, which was pretty cool too, considering I haven't really worked in there yet.
I also got to work with Johnathan.
Super hottie.
Super INTENSELY gorgeous hottie.
Seriously, all day I just wanted to take him into the back room and do him. LOL.

But yeah, I'm pretty happy about it. I'm catching on really quick, which is making everything run much smoother.
I can't wait for school to be done so I can start working full time.
Germany, here I come!

Diet Time.

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 04:47:35 GMT

I feel so fat.
Seriously.
This is going to stop right now.
No more eating [gross foods], and Im going to exercise all the time.
I want to be skinny.
Im sick of being a fatass.
If you see me putting anything in my mouth that's over 100 calories, please, smack me.
KTHNXBAI.

Talking is just masturbating without the mess.

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 01:59:28 GMT

Well.
I pretty much never have to go to counselling ever again.
Sweet deal. For years I've been dreaming when I would be done with all this counselling stuff. I mean, there's always the day that I will finally finish my medication, and be done with it, but that's always an iffy thing. Im not sure if i've accepted that yet. I dont know if I want to be on medication for the rest of my life. Oh well, I dont really have much control over that.

Anyways.
Im really excited for it to be the end of school. I've been having a lot of trouble lately just getting out of bed. Getting in the shower, putting my clothes on, and heading out the door to school. I just dont have any drive anymore. I dont think many people do anymore, considering its so close to the end of school. Ugghhh. It's really not cool. I just want it to be summer already. I want the sun to shine, and not have to be stuck indoors, I want to swim in the ocean and the lake... I want to go out for runs in the morning, and have lay on the grass outside at night, looking at the stars, and picking out all the constellations. The big dipper sits right over my house. But most of all, I think I just want to sit on the roof top, and watch the sun come up.
I think I would really like that.
Would anyone want to share it with me?

"What language do they speak in Greece?" "Uhh, Greek!?"

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 19:28:25 GMT

I feel so bad for my poor mom.
She had to stay with me all night. I was just bawling, and I dont even know why. I'm so stressed about school, and I just want it to be over. I hate who I am, all the time, and I hate who I'm becoming. Every little thing is driving me insane. Except work -- surprisingly enough.
I just feel like shit.
I feel like I dont have any drive whatsoever to finish school, or do any of the things I need or want to do. I just want to lie in bed all day and dream.

Another thing that's really starting to bug me, is that I'm gaining weight. Normally if I gain like, 10 pounds its all good, it doesnt really show. But now my clothes are starting to feel tighter, and Im starting to realize that I really just look like a fat slob.
And I wonder why boys dont like me.

As unhealthy as it may be, I guess I gotta go back to my old ways.
Limit the calories, limit the food, boost the water.
Ughh. This is going to be a very long week.

Ambrosios

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 05:58:48 GMT

Well, I had my first day of work at Ambrosios today.
SO MUCH FUN. I still can't believe I pulled off a 7 hour shift. And survived.
Although my feet hurt like hell, it was still so much fun. I get to work another 1 - close again, which is cool, but I hate doing the closing shift. Ughhh. It's just so much work, and it's hard to get done in time with only 2-3 people. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get some middle-day shifts soon.
To end it, Ambrosios = lots of fun.
Can't wait until tomorrow. :-)

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 23:41:10 GMT

Well, I was right.
I got eliminated today along with Asia, Justine and Dan.
I have to say I'm a little disappointed in the judges, but oh well, there's nothing I can really do about it. I guess I just going to miss being in front of all thoses people, and singing to them. I guess I just really like the feeling of making people feel good, or just feel happy or sad. I just like being able to move people with my voice. I just miss it. And it's only been a couple hours! Jeez.

At least I get to work this weekend, and get my mind off of it.

Stelly's Idol -- Round Two.

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 16:00:07 GMT

It's round two of Stelly's Idol today. I've been looking forward to it. But, I have a feeling I'm going to get eliminated this time around. I don't want to (then again, who does?), but if I do, then c'est la vie. At least I made it this far, right?
On another note, Im working for the first time this weekend -- FOR 7 HOURS.
Yeah. My very first shift is a 7 hour. At least they gave me some slack for Sunday, where I only have to work 6. That's pretty rad, I must admit. Oh well, I'm happy I get to work. Yay. Celine's gonna have some moneys, finally.

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 05:15:22 GMT

I feel left out.
I feel like I've been so busy in my own world, and no one has bothered to really pull me out, and let me have a life.
Or maybe it's that they don't -want- to pull me out. Maybe everyone is content with me running around, keeping busy, with no time for conversation, or moments of fun. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Everyone else living, and Celine, over acheiving. Oh well. I guess it'll help me in the long run, right?
I applied at Safeway today, and had my first real interview.
It was awesome. I think it did fairly well. I was definitely nervous though. Ughh. Pressure really gets to me. Which is probably why Im freaking out over Stelly's Idol, even though its 3 days away. Oh man. And I have to go FIRST. Jesus Christ. Whoever decided to put me first, I am definitely going to go Sparta on their ass [lol Ellery]. I dont necessarily want to win, but just to place well, you know? Second or third. That would be nice. Vote for me? KTHNX.

Sat, 26 May 2007 01:17:11 GMT

The days feel like they're getting longer. Although I'm moving so fast paced...
I mean, there isn't a moment where I can be caught just sitting down and relaxing, what with this whole Germany trip coming about.
My german is coming along ok. I'd hoped to be better by now, but I keep forgetting that it took me 16 years to become fluent in French and English. I've got a lot of work to do, that's for sure.
I'm just hoping and praying that I will receive that bursary. I'm hoping that it will knock off at least 2,000 dollars, or else I'm fucked. My entire trip really depends on this bursary.
That and getting a job. [still working on it, by the way]
Life is complicated at the moment and very hectic.
I really just need a night out with the girls [yes alex, that includes you. :-P] .
I'll see you all later.
<3

WHOOHOO

Sat, 19 May 2007 05:46:26 GMT

Celine has finally payed off all her drug debts!
YAY!
Go me.