LOL @ ME HAVING BLONDE HAIR FOR AN HOUR.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm trying so hard to make things right, and to keep things going, and keep things balanced, but I feel like I'm just falling off the edge. I mean, without James, I would probably have been dead right now. It's terrible, because admist all of the things he said, and how long he comforted me, I still feel like shit. I still feel like I dont want to be here. I've been eyeing those damn pills all day. I was hoping that seeing him today would help, and would banish all these terrible things that I'm thinking, but he made other plans, and now Im sitting here alone in the dark, again, eyeing thoses little green pills.
6 would make me braindead.
6 and a two six would kill me.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm trying so hard and I'm not getting anywhere. Nothing feels right anymore, and nothing feels real. I miss the cutting, and I miss the fulfillment. I wish I could go back to it. Back to feeling. I had almost gotten used to feeling things on a regular basis, but now that's all gone. Im just completely fucked. According to all my doctors, I shouldnt even be thinking like this anymore, much less feeling like this. Im sick of being some damaged case. I just wish I could be normal again. I dont want to take meds anymore, I dont want to have people ask me about my arms... I just want to be normal. But I guess that's never going to happen. I will always be a fucked up kid, no matter what happens. Whether I get better or not, I will always be the problem child. I just wish that people would see me for who I really am. Not just some damage case, not just some problem child, not just some weird girl... I just wish people could love me for me.

mood - blank tunes - Goin' Into This - Joey Riot

I don't know what's going on with me.
I'm feeling depressed and jealous. I miss him so much, but I have no idea of what's going on. I was drunk, and he was coming down from a high, but I was kissing his skin, and he was holding my hands, and rubbing my skin and running his fingers through my hair.. It felt like a type of love.
I just wish it could all be real. But it's not. It's all lost in drugs and alcohol. I just want it back. He was so warm and sweet. But it's all a lie. A huge fucking lie.

Im feeling so left out, so lost and alone. I dont even know what to do with myself anymore. I dont feel like I belong anymore. It's been like this for weeks. I dont feel like I belong anywhere... Except for in his arms.
Everything has felt so cold, but then he put his arms around me and it all changed. All the ice melted. Everything was perfect. Everything felt right. But now it's gone.
And I'm afraid I'll never get it back.

mood - drained tunes - Ubers Ende Der Welt - Tokio Hotel

I feel so fat.
Seriously.
This is going to stop right now.
No more eating [gross foods], and Im going to exercise all the time.
I want to be skinny.
Im sick of being a fatass.
If you see me putting anything in my mouth that's over 100 calories, please, smack me.
KTHNXBAI.

mood - fat. tunes - Let It Die - Three Days Grace

I feel so bad for my poor mom.
She had to stay with me all night. I was just bawling, and I dont even know why. I'm so stressed about school, and I just want it to be over.  I hate who I am, all the time, and I hate who I'm becoming. Every little thing is driving me insane. Except work -- surprisingly enough.
I just feel like shit.
I feel like I dont have any drive whatsoever to finish school, or do any of the things I need or want to do. I just want to lie in bed all day and dream.

Another thing that's really starting to bug me, is that I'm gaining weight. Normally if I gain like, 10 pounds its all good, it doesnt really show. But now my clothes are starting to feel tighter, and Im starting to realize that I really just look like a fat slob.
And I wonder why boys dont like me.

As unhealthy as it may be, I guess I gotta go back to my old ways.
Limit the calories, limit the food, boost the water.
Ughh. This is going to be a very long week.

where are you? Home, instead of school. mood - tired tunes - Stockholm Syndrome - Muse

Well, I had my first day of work at Ambrosios today.
SO MUCH FUN.  I still can't believe I pulled off a 7 hour shift. And survived.
Although my feet hurt like hell, it was still so much fun. I get to work another 1 - close again, which is cool, but I hate doing the closing shift. Ughhh. It's just so much work, and it's hard to get done in time with only 2-3 people. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get some middle-day shifts soon. 
To end it, Ambrosios = lots of fun.
Can't wait until tomorrow.  :-)

where are you? Home, yay! mood - tired

It's round two of Stelly's Idol today. I've been looking forward to it. But, I have a feeling I'm going to get eliminated this time around. I don't want to (then again, who does?), but if I do, then c'est la vie. At least I made it this far, right?
On another note, Im working for the first time this weekend -- FOR 7 HOURS.
Yeah. My very first shift is a 7 hour. At least they gave me some slack for Sunday, where I only have to work 6. That's pretty rad, I must admit. Oh well, I'm happy I get to work. Yay. Celine's gonna have some moneys, finally.

Celine has finally payed off all her drug debts!
YAY!
Go me.

mood - nervous tunes - Coma White - Marilyn Manson

Milo isn't my baby anymore.
He humped his stuffed bear today.
Ick.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACQUIE!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

I generally don't know how I feel today. It's kind of pissing me off.
I really want it to be friday.
Although Im super happy that all of my france-friends are back, I get home and I'm exhausted. I haven't even had the mind capacity or energy to do any German [thats a very rare occurance]! 
I keep forgetting homework that I have to do [that and the teachers dont make it very clear -- AHEM Mr. Mackenzie] and it's really pushing my mark down. Ugghh... Almost straight A's.. Almost.

Ah screw this.
If I'm ever going to learn German I might as well get cracking.

Ich werde Sie später sehen!
liebe.liebe.liebe

Yesterday was the best day of my life.

Sometimes I just wish that I could fit in more.
Have someone love-like me.
Have someone talk to -me- for once.

I don't know.
Do I ask too much?

Today was great, until I got home. 

I slept over at Ellery's last night. We ate pancakes in the morning. And Milo had his first playdate.
And now I'm at home.
Upset over some fucking bitch.
Argh.

What song should I sing for my audition for Stelly's Idol?

Spring break is here.
Thank fucking god.

Now I can finally sleep in, and get better, and not have to worry about missing school and all that crap.
Ugh.

However, Im not too fond of the idea that Im going to be spending it alone. :[

What in the world was I thinking?
I never actually thought I’d go through with it, but from then and now, I’m still not sure what to think about the whole ordeal. I even had to leave school early. Although going back to home, and to that fermiliar place brought back heavier thoughts, school was much too hard to handle at the time. I’m not sure what to think about it all, honestly.
I mean.. Did I do the right thing?
Or was I just being stupid?
I can’t tell.
Part of me knows that it was wrong. It won’t go anywhere, and that it’s just going to set us both up for some heartbreak…
But that kiss.
There was so much feeling in it.
Feeling that had been absent long before.
It was the definition of passion.
The feeling of his lips against mine is still on my mind, bringing a rosy color to my cheeks.
But why did I even do it?
Why did I let it happen?
I kissed back, didn’t I?

Oh man.
I feel –so- Laguna Beach right now.

Fuck.
That’s all I can really say.
Well, actually, that’s a lie. I’m going to be saying a lot in the next few sentences. I’ve done a lot of thinking lately. Thoughts have been creeping into my mind, whether I want them there or not. I don’t know if it was the image of the eerie chill of the downtown streets that were painted in my mind from the book I was reading, or if my mind has just decided that the past was going to come back. Or was it my heart that decided this?
Another headache came back, so I found myself sitting on the couch in the dark, trying to make it go away, when the wailing of sirens brought me back.
Way back.
Last year.

I can’t believe how out of control I was. I still remember everything so clearly. Everything that happened – might have happened.
I remember how her eyes were rimmed with red, and how her porcelain face was stained with black, dripping down her cheeks. I remember the shrill sound of my scream as I drowned within it. I remember smell of the oxygen tube, and how it was so cold it burned, as it blasted the air down my nose and into my lungs. I remember coming face to face with my life. I remember the smell of iron. It was so strong and potent that it made me gag. I remember so much, so clearly. I wish I could forget. However, I know that will never happen. My scars will always remind me of the past. But the past is no longer apart of me… which is why I wonder if I should let the world know who I was -- who I am.  Would people scoff in disgust? Would they ask questions, or would they silently walk by, their eyes burning my skin with their blazing stares? One of these days, I will make a decision, but for now, my past will stay hidden. However, the memories still remain.
I remember the look of hate in her eyes when she saw me. She knew I had run away. Even through my lies she knew I had run. I remember the smell of his hair, and the way it so softly slid through my fingers. I remember the beat in his chest, my head pressed up against it, his chest rising and falling with each breath. I remember his tear falling on my hand…
I remember so much, and I just want it all to go away. I want to shut off the world, and the sky, and drown myself in books, and movies, and work. I don’t want to live like this anymore. But why am I? I thought that the world was finally working out for me. That life was finally becoming calm, and peaceful – but now I don’t feel such ease. I feel sad again. I don’t want to be like that again… yet strangely, I want to move out of this house, so I can be alone. Be alone with my own selfish thoughts, and wicked desires. Is it so bad that I crave blood again? Why is it that my body demands so much of my strength? What can I do to silence it’s needs? It’s desires? What can I do?
Once again, I feel so helpless. Things felt like they were working out, but alas, nothing is what it seems.
I feel like I should just disappear again. Fuck myself up so badly, that I won’t be able to come back.
Where are these thoughts coming from?
They’ve been absent for so long, and now they feel strange, and odd inside my head. They’re back with their filthy meanings, and emotions, coming back to blacken me again. What the hell is going on?
Why can’t I just live normally?
Why won’t this depression just leave me alone? I thought I had disposed of it long ago, but I see now that I am not yet finished with it – or should I say, it is not yet finished with me.
How far will this go?
How long will this take?
Someone help me.

How would you feel if I stopped covering up my scars at school/public etc?